the tropical, islamic state

there is a place that will seemingly stop at nothing until its symbol covers every manmade thing as far as the eye can see. until every man, woman and child is draped in it and parades it around proudly for all the world to see. this is all likely for no other reason than to make every human being ponder that place and what it stands for when you are awake, when you are asleep, when you are dead. i, of course, am talking about our delightful neighbor that we sit overtop-- the fine state of south carolina. i don't know who came up with the whole palmetto-crescent moon thing, but whoever he/she was, was a pure genius. i come into contact with few symbols that pop up into my vision during my daily life with as much zest and zeal as the good ole s.c. standby. no, friends, it's not syria or indonesia, it is the state with spanish moss, "smiling faces, beautiful places," myrtle beach and barbeque with mustard (yark). and if you are fortunate enough to visit the carolina cup in the quaint hamlet of camden, you will know what it is like to swim amongst a symbol, and eat and drink of it.

maybe this is too harsh. perhaps i am just jealous. while the university of north carolina has the only symbol of worth that could cover our entire state (the tar on the heel of the foot), our flag gives us no help. red, white, and blue? how original. a star? unthinkable. two dates that mean nothing but to north carolina history scholars and 8th grade social studies classes? astounding. and someone even had the bright idea to slap a big "n" and a big "c" on it, so we can't even try to pass it off as someone else's. and it looks too eerily like a certain other state's flag that we have been told not to mess with.

so maybe i just wish we had a cool symbol we could slap on the back of every car, dye onto every belt, sew onto every hat and print onto every t-shirt. i wish someone would create a symbol that even residents of neighboring states would feel naked without ("oh, we live quite close enough, i do believe the symbol of their state is appropriate for our automobile"). or maybe, north carolina should realize we have it good enough. we stood too long in the shadows of the "tall mountains" of south carolina and virginia and following their direction today just wouldn't do. yes, i believe north carolina cannot be reduced to mere flora and a vanishing satellite shining on the back of a chevy pickup. north carolina's strength lies in its hard-working families, its rich history, its humble nature yet progressive spirit, and its diversity of landscape, people and ideas (guess who employs me). but, if that's not marketable enough, we can always use a lighthouse.

1: where is my mind?-- the pixies

all of the suspense that has been building in your soul, all those sleepless nights since this countdown began august 2nd end here and now. this song gets the top spot as the song that has most changed my life. and really, it makes a lot of sense. this was one of the first songs i heard by the pixies at the beginning of my sophomore year of high school. i don't remember how they came into my life other than the they were dropped from the heavens (or maybe they were recommended by an older cool kid). my reaction was nothing short of fanatical. it seems like within two weeks of hearing this song, i owned every pixies cd ever recorded and had downloaded every b-side and rarity that fearsome foursome had so perfectly performed. that entire sophomore year consisted of me and my boarding school roommate playing every pixies album on repeat day and night. every song became ingrained into my soul. we bought magazines and cut out pictures of the band and put them on the walls. i talked about them at dinner, dreamt of them in my sleep, forced them upon others-- it was intense. this fascination, coupled with the brave new world of boarding school, made everything seem more significant and more real. the two are forever connected in my mind.

the pixies were unlike anything i had heard, though i could pull out bits and pieces in their music of every band i had been obsessed with before. the quiet/loud elements and jagged guitars reminded me of nirvana. the singsong pop reminded me of the beach boys. but there was something else about them that was humorous, bizarre, mysterious, fun and quirky. they seemed to fit my personality well and i was hooked and have remained hooked ever since.

this song is prodigious. it is eerie and angular and strange, yet it is poppy and funny and soothing. it rocks, yet holds back from being a fullout rock song. even though black francis sings of sea creatures swimming in the caribbean, they seem like the most thoughtful, fitting lyrics that could have possibly been devised. it represents everything that i find wonderful about the pixies. besides being the crack in the dam that unleashed a flood of pixies obsession, this song is significant because it has never seemed to leave my life since i first heard it. later in high school, i remember singing this song in my (failed and shortlived) experience in a band (though it made me feel cool). right after high school graduation, this song was played as i rode in the backseat from myrtle beach to north carolina and it blew my mind again (if you understand the significance of this, good. if not, you wont get an explanation here). i tried to learn to play this song when i finally got a guitar in college. and i still listen to 'surfer rosa' as i drive to work.

i cannot imagine my life without this song and this band; they have done more for me than any other song or band i have encountered. after hearing this song, i went from being someone obsessed with a few bands to someone who couldnt sleep because they couldnt stop thinking about all the music that was out there to listen to. my musical taste and knowledge expanded greatly. i began to look deeper and wider and discover music that was not played on the radio and was not being talked about with my friends. i relished being into music that was different and really got to me. it helped define who i was. it opened my eyes. it connected with me on a new level. it changed my life. i can safely say, without this song, i wouldnt be coming home from work and writing about music on a stupid blog every day. 'where is my mind?' is also fitting for this spot on the countdown because it sounds like the end of something, something that trails off into the distance, into the darkness.

pixies, alive: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGXdXcpNsv4

2: in my room-- the beach boys

yes, another selection by the smiley sunsoaked band from california. even i was surprised by how high on the list this song ended up, but the more i thought about it, the better i understood. the beach boys have had a profound impact on my life. from a very early age (they were my first concert after all). i feel like they influenced me so heavily and so early on that they have informed everything i have listened to. i have always had a deep appreciation for this song. its harmony, its soft flow, its endearing pop, its youthful sentiments. it is a deceptively simple song that has can appeal to a wide audience. it was not until recently, though, that i realized what kind of impact this song had on me.

i dont know when i first heard this song. it was not on the 'made in u.s.a.' compilation that i obsessed over at a young age, but i know i was familiar with this song around the time i was listening to that album. my first experience must have been on the radio. in fact, i have a vague memory of me asking my mother to turn this song up when we were driving around town in her station wagon (this takes it way back). but regardless of when i first heard it, there was something that connected me to this song at age 7, age 12, age 17, and even today.

if the song 'basket case' represents one strain of my musical preference (the coolness factor), this song represents the beginning of its opposing strain: the personal song. this song became differentiated in my mind from songs about the wheels on the bus, the itsy bitsy spider and even songs about daddy taking the t-bird away. for the first time, i heard and felt in music what i was thinking. and though it wasnt complex, it was a sentiment i could relate to and feel a part of. they were singing about feelings that everyone could understand, no matter what age you were. after hearing this song, music began to mean something totally different than what i had thought it could. it was no longer something that was something to have on to pass the time or something to be done in music class at school. you could use it to connect. you could use it to learn something. you could use it to feel.

if music in my life appeals to me in three different ways (for its functionality, for how it makes me feel cool, for its emotional connection), it is the strain that i discovered in this song that has dictated the majority of my musical preference. i like stuff that i can hear and feel a part of, something that is emotionally revealing. stuff that is deep. stuff that makes you feel that indescribable feeling that absolutely great music conjures up inside of me. music that is thoughtful and personal in varying shades of pop has defined my musical life. this explains why i liked nirvana, sebadoh, coldplay, the replacements, otis redding, and most of the music on this list. years and years after i first heard this song i feel connected to it and i seek out songs that do for me what this song did. so, yeah, even though i never would have guessed it, this song is a very fitting choice for the second spot on this list.


i was there, i swear: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YabBXayt3bs

3: smells like teen spirit-- nirvana

this song came close (very close) to not making it on the list at all. while most of the songs here were ordered by a gutfeeling/streamofconsciousness type of decision making, this song began on the outside and i kept thinking about it and thinking about it and it kept inching its way to number three on the list. and this song does deserve this position despite my initial reluctance to put it here.

i should explain why my first impulse did not accept this song with open arms. it has to do with overexposure, both self-inflicted and on a more global scale. i felt that it was too cliche for someone who had grown up in the shadow of 1991/generation x to include this song in a list of songs that had changed their life. so much has been said and written about this song, even sixteen years after its first appearance, that i began to feel that it didnt have much of a legitimate place in my life. it felt like something outside of me. even now, on the rarer and rarer occasions that i put on 'nevermind,' i will skip over this song and listen to the rest of it.

but then i started thinking back. to that time in 3rd grade when one of my friends brought 'nevermind' on the bus when we were on a field trip, and not that i even remember the music, but i do remember how funny i thought it was that there was a naked baby on the cover. i remember watching mtv with my babysitter shortly after kurt cobain had died and being really fascinated and puzzled by it all. i remember how it was still cool in 5th grade to sing songs off 'nevermind' while we rode bikes around the neighborhood. i remember how i would borrow this cd from a friend while on church retreats (and feel like a hardened rebel even though i was still afraid of buying the album myself because my parents might see the cover). and the list goes on. and i could not think of many periods in my life where this band and this song had not had an impact on me. i cannot even remember the exact moment i heard this song first, but it seems like it has always been there.

this song grew to represent a very complex set of things to me. it was rebellion, coolness, mystery. it became a representation of purity, youth, bygone days. it seemed like possibility, the apex of generational spirit, art. it stretched out to death, anger, rage. it became a monumental monster in my mind. as i aged, i kept longing for another song to come along and do what i believed (and had heard) this song did: break down walls, disrupt the status quo, win one for the good guys. i shudder to think of myself (and the world) without this song. while such sentiments feel dated to me now, i still can appreciate what this song actually was: a sharp, heavy mix of pop and hard rock that has the ability to make hearts run aflutter. and i do believe this song, this band, this album belong in a different category all together. in a glass case somewhere. and even when this song doesn't boom from my stereo speakers for months and months, i will still know what it did for me and for millions of others. and i guess that's pretty cool.

4: good morning captain-- slint

it feels wrong even writing about this song. to me, this song is so good and means so much to me, that trying to put any of it into words would be a great disservice. but i guess i must provide something so you will understand why this song is ranked as high as it is.

to put it plainly, after hearing this song, music simply didnt sound the same. as new and different as this song sounded, it also touched on some expectation i had for what the greatest music in the world would sound like. like i had been waiting for something to sound like this. it was deep. bottom of the ocean deep. the song has an expansive drama that sucks you in. its not even like listening to a song. it is like having an experience.

again, i can't really explain what this song does to me. it is poetic and smart (any song that is even loosely based on a samuel taylor coleridge poem is by definition smarter than most anything you can listen to). but it is not just cerebral, the song also plays to the senses. you can see the mist coming off the water. you can feel the ship rocking on the waves. and then it builds, the tension, like ominous clouds gathering on the horizon. and then there is an explosion, where softly spoken words give way to screams and you can feel the brute force, the release. something that seems so delicate and calculating just cracks open to bare bones and grit and the basic essence of human emotion.

i can only say it was an act of god that made me download this song as a sophomore in high school. i otherwise have no idea what would have compelled me to seek out this relatively obscure band. it was another act of god that i finally found the album 'spiderland' in a sketchy record store in georgetown. but i am thankful i did. and when i finally got to hear this song played live this summer i literaly couldnt stop shaking. it was like hearing god. and once again, nothing sounds the same.

5: shit soup-- sebadoh

i know i have gone on about how many times i have listened to certain songs on this list. but, to put an end to all speculation, this is, officially, the song i have listened to the most times in my life. and im serious. i went through phases where, even though i am more of an 'album person' than a 'song person', i would put this song on repeat and listen to it over and over and over again. in high school. in college. two weeks ago. and it's not like this is mozart or brainbending music or whatever. but it fits me well. and it has fascinated me.

i first heard of sebadoh through their lo-fi brethren, pavement. pavement had already solidified its place as one of my favorite bands, so i decided anyone that fit into their 'genre' would be worth checking out. problem was, i couldnt find any of their albums anywhere. after some time of searching, i found the album 'bakesale' and its naked baby playing in a toilet on the cover at a border's in pentagon city. and i don't think my life has been the same since. i remember running to a friend's room and making him listen to the album immediately because i had been so blown away. i knew then that this was another band i could obsess over (and i am fond of obsessing). the whole album was pretty much a revelation. it rocks just enough. it is just angular enough. it is just poppy/intelligent/bouncy enough. and it has the kind of smart confessional lyrics that i love. but the song that really sold me was 'shit soup,' a beauty written by jason lowenstein. this song reminds me of spinning. and the truth. (good things). and i dig any song about crazy people and smoking cigarettes. it is a lot like hazy-eyed longing and frustration and i thought it was incredible.

i have not stopped listening to sebadoh since i first heard 'bakesale.' and i have been fortunate enough to see them play live a couple times and they were awesome. what i really appreciate about them is how diverse their music can be, from a tape player recording of a guy with a guitar to full-band loud rock (that i can jump around to). and everything seems to work well. this song made an immediate impact on what i wanted to listen to. it made me get realize how much i liked music that was personal and also rocked a bit. i remember laying on my bed in high school listening to 'shit soup' and just thinking how much i liked this song, how this song just works for me so well. even today, not much has changed. and it is indeed true-- crazy people are so off they're on.

6: basket case-- green day

i am not going to sit here and write about how this song reinvented rockmusic or how i can close my eyes when i hear this song and see magnificent colors. listening to this song as i write is honestly the first time i have heard it a long while. and i dont have a problem with that. but i must give credit where credit is due. this song has played a pretty important role in my life, even if it was a long time ago. now, i mean, i think it's still hyper and fun and funny and all that, not earth-shattering or anything. but once upon a time, this song meant something very different.

first of all, i must take you back to 1994. i am still young, innocent, and beginning to look outside mom and dad for self-validation. in the world that was my neighborhood, there was no better way to gain validation than to be accepted and well-liked by the older kids. for the first time, i was interested in being cool- doing what the older kids did, said, etc. (not that i knew exactly what coolness was, but i knew who possessed this quality). around this time, the album 'dookie' was as cool as cool could get on my block, at least in that it was being listening to by kids three or four years my senior. so the times i was around them (i am sure they appreciated my presence) i would rock out to this song, soaking in what they said about it, how they reacted. i learned the words to this song and remember singing it while playing basketball with the other kids. and i felt like a badass. it was my gateway to the other side. this song was an adolescent apple just beyond my grasp. but i called it mine and had to let everyone know about it.

so, maybe this song didn't make me any cooler. but, for the time being, i felt that it did. and it remained for a while as a standard bearer for what was cool. it represents the time when i started to turn to music to feel cool. for better or worse, this set the precedent for a large portion of my musical life. while this song is confined to that time period i have listened to it a good number of times through the years, and i guess i could have listened to worse songs to feel cool. the good part about my fascination with the song was that i continued to seek out stuff that seemed just out of my reach, stuff that seemed edgy (to me), stuff that seemed cool. what if dr. dre had been popular on chad drive at the time? would i now be a fifty cent fan? i don't know, but if my musical track were in doubt before, latching on to this song assured that poppypunkyrocky ridiculousness would be the mode of operation for most of my days. so, as much as it pains me to say, without this song's place in my life, it's doubtful that my musical taste would have developed the way that it did.

ah yes, they did exist before american idiot: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W8Y3qDDODT0

7: chapel hill-- sonic youth

more chapel hill-relatedness. perhaps i am pining for the past. or whatever. i have listened to this song approximately 73,542 times. which is quite a lot. part of this has to do with an old tradition i had where i would put this song on every time i drove into chapel hill (somehow the album 'dirty' was always on hand, i guess since i have both the originial and special editions). but this song, especially the initial part, reminds me of a sunrise coming up over the ancient oaks off franklin street. and it grooves well and builds and builds and rocks out incredibly (which worked well with driving up the 'hill.') if you learn only one thing from this list, it should be that songs with a monumental climax alter my dna more than those without one. this song, quite interestingly has a denouement after the climax, which is also quite nice.

this was not the first sonic youth song i heard or even the one i think is their best. i got 'dirty' sometime after i got 'washing machine' which is sometime after i started thinking sonic youth was really groovy. what got me about this song was its ability to rockout, change pace, create mood, and twist lyrics into fascinating puzzles (and i was very proud to know what was hinted at by the line "throw me a cord and plug it in and get the cradle rockin'"). it also has signature sy guitar tricks that my novice mind cannot comprehend, but it makes sounds that grip you differently, stuff that is maddeningly enthralling. and there is a memory that goes along with this song. when i was a junior in high school, one night upon finding out that classes were cancelled the next day, my friends and i decided to trash my room for the hell of it. i mean topple bunkbeds, rip sheets, tear things off walls, throw books, etc. (ah, youthful rage). well we played this song on the stereo several times over with the volume up and it overtook me with madness, jumping around and the like. which is pretty cool.

this song affected me because it is a good rockin song with nods towards artistic sensibilities and musical complexities (in some ways a good bullshit summation of my musical taste). i also realized through this song how music could make me explode, and when turned to the correct volume, made trashing things much more enjoyable. while i was already into sonic youth, this song certainly did nothing but deepen my fascination with a band i will probably never get over. i also appreciate this song for representing a time and a place, which is what makes music such an amazing thing anyway. and whenever i'm in the mood to jump around and throw my shoes (there's no more tossing of mattresses) this song feels as appropriate as it always has.

this is not a vid, but it is the song, with pictures: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBivMTOOZFo

8: good vibrations-- the beach boys

an excellent song by my first ever favorite band. from ages 5 until 8, i was pretty much obsessed with the beach boys. i don't remember where it all started, but i do remember listening to the compilation 'made in the u.s.a.' over and over again. the words were easily understandable and easy to sing along to for a young kid. and since i was still afraid of mtv at this point, this was my musical outlet, something that i could listen to without the help of the radio. it also seemed more mature to me than childish songs that i didn't feel applied to me anymore. so while this whole compilation was huge for me, it was track number 14, 'good vibrations,' that ended up changing my life the most.

even at this young age, i knew something was different about that song. it didn't seem as simple or as comprehensible to me as 'fun, fun, fun' or 'barbara ann,' and that honestly puzzled me. i could not make out what they were singing about. i do remember thinking it was weird. but i also remember liking that fact. i wanted to know what it was about this song that made it seem different to me. why i would rather listen to this song than sing along or why i got so lost in it. it would be years before i would figure these things out, or at least come close to. but at least for the time being, it made me curious, and that is significant.

this song, like others on the list, has come and gone out of my life numerous times. no song on this list has probably made as many appearances at different points in my life. when i was like 12 or 13 i started to get into the more bizarre aspects of the beach boys and i loved when my uncle would tell stories about brian wilson going crazy and would play songs like 'george fell into his french horn'. this all fascinated me and re-opened my interest in 'good vibrations.' even today, this song hypnotizes me. it is like a spiral, a dizzying blur. i believe it is psychedelic pop perfection. it creates colorful collages for me now as it did then. for those reasons, and especially for opening my mind and for piquing my interest in music that challenged me, i will forever remain in brian wilson's debt.

nice suits: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BdVIrE_Q2X0

9: here-- pavement

i considered only letting there be one song per band on this list. but i figured that wouldnt be right. some bands have just been more important than others. so, here is the second pavement selection. one that did not enter my life as early as 'grounded,' but has likely had a longer impact on me. i did get the album 'slanted and enchanted' shortly after i got 'wowee zowee,' and honestly, i thought every song was gold. all the tunes were both slanted and enchanted. they had some kind of magic about them (and a light fuzzy upsidedown pop). but no song stood out to me on the album like the song 'here.'

the song is deceptively simple. it is a pop song, but like most of pavement's work, it twists and turns and bends backwards in ways that make it sound perfectly complete and deep and complex. it has a gentleness about it, like it is something fragile, something delicate. in some ways, it seems to be the personification of a shrug. i can visualize some kid (me?) with his head down, hands in pockets. there is an honesty about the whole thing that i found to be very real and clear. the lyrics, typical of the s. malkmus style, are smarter than i am (or at least seem to be), and i liked that. but you still can understand what he's going after. and there is this background tension that builds behind the light melody. it somehow gets extended and released at the end of the song so that its conclusion could not make sense any other way.

this song made me consider music that fit outside the mold of what i had liked prior. i found i really could like stuff that was softer. the fact that it was creative, intelligent, unique and conveyed a universally understood sentiment made it perfect. songs like this made me appreciate more challenging lyrics. stuff that made you think a little bit. this song also gets the nod because it has not seemed to go out of my life since i first heard it. it just seems to find a place wherever i end up, and i think that's pretty cool. i guess its subdued splendor has not lost its effect on me (and i guess a guess is the best i'll do).

10: little fury things-- dinosaur jr

this song fits the type of dynamics that i became obsessed with in high school and still sends shockwaves down my spine today. it was something about stuff that sounded like a mess, like destruction, like a trainwreck, that fascinated me. this was what i knew. what i did not know is how much i dug destructive music that had direction, that had a balance and a contrast. but i figured all that out when i heard this song.

already a fan of dinosaur jr through the album 'green mind', i decided to pick up the only other disk i could find by them at the time- a compilation called 'ear-bleeding country', which contained this song. 'little fury things' possesses nearly every element i could want in a single song: noise, screaming, loudness, shoddy production values, but also words you can sing along to, something that changes shapes, goes from quiet to loud, and has lazy sounded singing. at the time, it all seemed new, but it made perfect sense. though in some ways, it fit the conception i had of what late 80s indie rock should sound like, it also broke the mold and exceeded my expectations.

this song made me understand what i liked about contrasts. and what i liked about slackerish, massive music (and it is massive). i found that laconic vocals perhaps are best. the song has a certain mystique about it, it is different and badass and effortless. it has a sound and an image that defined my understanding of this amazing band. while i had heard dinosaur jr before, this song struck me differently than what i had heard on 'green mind.' without having experienced this song, i don't believe i ever would have had a dinosaur jr party in college (or had someone make me a dinosaur jr cake). the band was and is ridiculously good. they could one second sound folksy and detached and the next sound like the heaviest and holiest hand of death. and i think it's unbelievable. i have not heard a band do it better (and i doubt one ever will).

total destruction: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXfR-64YtQ0

11: yellow-- coldplay

first off, i am being serious. 'yellow' is a great song and coldplay is a good band. i can admit that. i am not clear as to what made me place this song at this point on the list. perhaps now, after getting to song number 11, i should better explain how i made my list. after racking my brain, scouring my cd collection, sifting through my ipod, i came up with a list of 156 possible songs. then i whittled the list down and down and down, got it to 40something, then ranked them, in almost a firstimpulse/streamofconsciousness (which i think is the best way to do things) kind of way. and this song, for better or worse, landed here. i believe there is something behind it.

now for the backstory. this song was one of the first new ones i heard in 10th grade, my first year at boarding school. (i feel this has something to do with my attachment). at the time, i had never heard of coldplay, but i instantly thought they were awesome. they were in some ways smoothly mellow and hopelessly romantic. which i kind of liked. this song plods (in a beautiful way) and has these very windswept sappy-eyed heart-tugging lyrics and sound that convey a sort of longing that i found sublime. and perhaps i still do. i hung on this song and the album 'parachutes' for quite a while during those first few months. they still take me back.

this song is for me a time and a place and a feeling. things that are both concrete and vague. i think this song was an expression of beauty for me, something i wanted to seek out. and before this song and this band blew up, i felt it to be very personal and close to me. it also introduced me to a band that i still think makes quality stuff. so i guess, even though my perspective has changed, i can still appreciate what this song once did for me.

the video, with love: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qI8I6qcxWyU

p.s. alas. i am going away for a few days, so you will have to wait on the top 10 until next week.

12: everlong-- foo fighters

maybe i got too into the foo at some point. there was certainly a time when i would have considered them my alltime favorite band. and while i think they have some quality stuff now, looking back, i dont have the same adoration i used to. and i guess that's okay. there is one foo fighters song, though, that has remained, if not gathered strength in my mind-- everlong. on 'the colour and the shape,' this song did and does stand out above the rest.

i still find it to be mysterious sounding. i still think of fog and eerie light when i hear this song. it was serious where much of the foo material seemed somewhat light. like so many songs i like, it builds well. the part where dave grohl whispers and then the percussion and volume come slamming back into the song is revelatory. monumental. and, as with the best foo fighter songs, you can sing along to it, rock out to it.

this song serves as a connection to my past self and my present one, i guess (that sounds pretty ridiculous). a song i can listen to, as i did then, and think is quality music that still sounds fresh and real and has meaning. this band and this song rightly hold an important place in my life and i guess that deserves credit. it also, in some ways, made me consider music that went beyond the type of stuff the foo was making at the time. stuff that had more mystery. stuff that seemed more serious.

and the video is righteous (and funny, which is ok): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHdwZCVZmg8

13: sixteen blue-- the replacements

two minneapolis bands from the same time period back-to-back. good planning. this was the first of the two minnesota bands to catch my eye (ear). the replacements album 'let it be' was a pretty big deal to me, though i am not exactly sure what inspired me to purchase it. but i'm glad i did. i thought it was a good mix of pop and rock and punk. the music was witty and very endearing in how it was so adolescent. i remember thinking that if i had a band and made an album, it would be a lot like this.

i, coincidentally, first heard this song at the age of sixteen, which may explain why i connected so strongly with it. at that time in my life, it just made sense. i remember thinking, yes, everything does "drag and drag" as paul westerberg sang that it did. the lyrics were nothing complicated but they seemed so confessional and seemed to strike on something that reached beyond one person's experience that i believed every word. westerberg's voice flawlessly carried the forlorn frustration that often accompanies those teenage years. then came the guitar solo. it sliced, screeched and while not very complex, it is probably the most beautiful solo i've ever heard. its tone and power serve as perfect complements to the rest of the song.

this song resonated with me because it captured what i was thinking at the time. it seemed to be the logical conclusion of the bottled up rage and angst that comes with adolescence. this song made me consider what makes people write music. what drives people to express themselves. it also made me seek out more music that really got at what i was thinking at the time-- something that has been a part of my understanding of music ever since.

14: eight miles high-- husker du

yes, this is a cover. the first (last?) one on this list. it is, of course, a classic byrds fried folk song. the byrds song is accordingly ripped to shreds by one of the finest bands of the 80s that, at least early on, was hellbent on playing faster and louder than anybody. husker du takes this song, throws it in a blender and shoots it out like a water hose onto a crowd. it's a mess. but, that's what makes this song so great.

it takes skill to destroy something perfectly and still maintain a connection with the original material. glimpses of this song's roots seem to appear from behind the fuzz every once in a while and certain lyrics can be recognized through bob mould's screams. but more than that, this song captures an escalation of the mood from the original song. it takes it to another level. nearly a level of madness. this song blew me away upon first listen. i thought i was hearing someone in the process of losing their mind, losing control. it was like a dionysian frenzy, like a primal and natural purging.

i credit this song for heightening my interest in fuzzedout poppypunk laced with wellplaced yelling. i really liked the fact that people could put so much into their music that they seemed to be on the verge of losing it. most importantly, this song made me realize that cover songs didn't have to be rote, dry rehashing, but something new and empassioned. i saw that great covers show you something fresh and make you consider the originial in a different light. and this song certainly does that for me.

1985 performance (i remember it well): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=salbSLGlePM

15: the first part-- superchunk

i, naturally, became interested in superchunk because they were from north carolina. knowing this and the fact that they were extremely cool punkpoprock whatever, i decided at some point in high school to check them out. the only cd i could find in rocky mount was 'tossing seeds,' which is a compilation of their early singles. i thought it was great. it was rough, fastpaced, upbeat, exciting. i desperately wanted to check them out in a real album format. and somehow, a couple months later, i ran into the album 'foolish.'

'foolish' threw me for a loop. from my limited knowledge, i hadn't expected superchunk to sound dark, sophisticated, complex. it was different. but i loved it. no song on the album connected stronger with me than 'the first part.' it had this bitter mood and somber lyrics and it built to an awesome climax. it combined much of what i liked in music at the time, namely emotion, music that was more complex than basic punk, and (most importantly) something i could jump around to.

this song reminds me of running cross country. back when i did the balancing act (im still not sure how) of carrying my portable cd player in one hand while running through the woods, i always put 'foolish' on. for some reason, this song made me run faster. and when i was in actual races, i remember trying to get the song in my head to help me pick up the pace (i did not master this well enough, apparently). i also have been fortunate to see this song performed twice live by superchunk, which did nothing but strengthen my appreciation for it. it's just an awesome song. and besides being a cross country standby, it propelled my interest in superchunk and in more independent label rock music. it also (thankfully) provided lots and lots of jumping around the room (and on beds and on couches, also throwing the occasional shoe) in both high school and college, and for that alone, this song deserves much credit.

video (the quality's not great and it is shorter than the album version, but anyway): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yw0s6nRfN4

16: only shallow-- my bloody valentine

i had not, and still have not, heard anything that compares with my bloody valentine's 'loveless' album. it's not just the apex of shoegazing music, it is a seminal recording in the history of rock music. it, accordingly, blew my mind. it was noisy, layered, wistful, powerful. it captured in art something very cerebral and something very real. i cant remember what made my high school hands pick up this album, but i am eternally thankful that they did.

'only shallow,' the first track on 'loveless' captures the best of the band's breadth and depth. it is dreamy and lush. it is vibrant and sleepy at the same time. the song has a way of lulling you one minute and pounding you into submission the next. it was after i had heard this song, the first mbv song i ever encountered, that i was sold. i knew just through this one song that this band was playing a different game than most of the bands i listened to. it captured a certain mood that i couldn't quite put my finger on but it felt very familiar (some kind of hazy feeling on a warm day or something).

i honestly believe this song expanded my mind. it made me excited about the possibilities of what else was out there. there were sounds coming out of the speakers that i didn't even know existed before. i was put in a trance by this song's veiled magic and even today i am moved by its force and beauty. it is otherwordly. there are few things as rewarding as turning off the lights and putting this song on the stereo at full blast. it takes you somewhere else. i feel fortunate to have come across it when i did because it has informed my musical taste and broadened my aural horizons.

good-ness: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Fxr0D-CWN4

17: harnessed in slums-- archers of loaf

how could i not include this song? besides being the most listened to song on my itunes (quite an accomplishment), this song is probably the archetype of the music i was into posthighschoolgraduation and freshmanyear of college. which is mostly to say that i totally turned my focus to defunct indie bands, virtually shutting out the modern world. well kinda. the first thing i remember hearing about the archers of loaf was that they were from chapel hill, a place i thought was pretty cool (it would one day be my home). any band from n.c. obviously gets extra points. this was not one of the first songs i heard by them, but it was the one that stuck with me the longest (though most all of what they did was pretty rad).

i have tried to figure out why this song appealed (appeals) to me so much, and i cant quite figure it out. i like incomprehensible lyrics. i like loud guitars. i like music you can jump around to. so i guess it has all the ingredients. i dig the way sounds in this song seem to be pulling in different directions, seemingly falling apart, but it somehow stays together and rocks perfectly. the guitars make just enough off that messy, bizzare sounding crud to send me over the edge. and like a lot of archers songs, even though i didnt really understand what they were talking about, it sounded cool and it sounded right.

i think i am particularly a fan of songs that remind me of rolling around in the grass (not weird at all). perhaps it has to do with restlessness, harkening back to youthful days, simpler times, or whatever. all i know is this song creates that effect better than any song i have heard (also an accomplishment). for that reason, and for representing my musical taste for a large swath of a major time in my life (and also to driving me to near obsession) this song fits this list very well. (it is also a desperate plea for an archers of loaf reunion, if any of the former members happen to read this post...)

the video's good too: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25ymumzyWMU

18: dead leaves and the dirty ground-- the white stripes

something big was about to happen. i could feel it. the flowering of my generation was imminent. everyone would be jammin to garageish rock. boy bands would evaporate. flashy rap would disintegrate. there would be a woodstock and heightenedawareness and everything. standing at the forefront of this wouldbe revolution was the white stripes, donned in red and white. it would be glorious.

this, as you may know, never happened. but i wanted it to, especially after hearing this song. i had really dug the white stripes for a while when i heard 'dead leaves and the dirty ground.' the first i heard of them was their cover of "ashtray heart" or "sugar never tasted so good" or something like that. their alleged siblingness and frayed edges made the band especially intriguing. while i really liked them, i remember thinking they would never be big when i first heard them. later, they were surrounded by hype and media attention and i thought, at last, it is all happening. the white stripes along with bands like the strokes and the hives would revive rock music and lead us into the future. this song, the first track on 'white blood cells,' represents all those possibilities.

the song fit my expectations of what i wanted the white stripes to sound like. unkempt, hard, lovesick-- it was flawless. it was everything i wanted in music at the time. the line "every breath that is in your lungs is a tiny little gift to me" embodied what i liked about the white stripes so much-- it was endearing and a tad off. which was great. i have listened to this song innumerable times, but jack white's guitar still sounds like it could slice through a brick wall.

i credit this song for being the crux of my imagination about a new music revolution in 2001. but it also has remained a song i still appreciate from a band that i still think is awesome. and while they may not have started a music revolution, they have continued to make quality, quality stuff for some time. and thats good enough for me.

parfait: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tr3OAWw1vc

19: karma police-- radiohead

i vividly remember my first experience with this song. i was at home, watching mtv (i wasnt afraid at this point and they still played videos), mom was in the kitchen, it was almost time for dinner. then 'karma police' came on and i froze. this song, this eerie tune and bizarre video hypnotized me, mesmerized me. of course, it was one of those moments when mom started yelling that dinner was ready and i wasnt ready and she kept yelling and i didnt want to move and she came in the room and i was knocked out of my trance and forced to eat baked chicken or whatever it was. but i couldn't get that song out of my head. it was unlike anything i had heard at the time and i was intrigued. the video was almost unsettling, and i liked that (reminded me of my earlier mtv experiences). i remember watching mtv like a hawk after i saw that video, hoping that i would see it again. and i did, and it was as fantastic as before. i later saw the video for 'paranoid android' which was equally as puzzling. i eventually got 'ok computer' and it became one of my favorite albums.

this song gained new life for me in the summer of 2001 when i was in france. for some reason, i gravitated toward it again. i remember sitting on my makeshift bed (it was really a psychotherapist's couch) after my host family had gone to bed (there was still light outside) and staring out the window onto the rooftops of slightlydecaying paris and listening to this song on my portable cd player. i guess my earlier experience with this song connected well with the strange situation i was going through at the time. it just fit so well. and, for a second time, this song blew my mind.

i still think this song is amazing. i thought then, as i do now, that it sounds very modern and very much a part of the world that is going on right now. it has a way of seeming both spooky and calming. the song changes shapes as it progresses, but it all fits together perfectly. it is, in a word, exceptional. it played a big part in opening my mind to more music that challenged me. and it has provided a monumental background for several key moments in the past decade of my life. this list would be incomplete without it.

the vid is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LeLAELIxKY

20: when the levee breaks-- led zeppelin

some songs affect you and you arent exactly sure why. dont get me wrong, i think this song's awesome. it's bluesy, rootsy, distant, and generally delicious (i dont know why that word came to mind). but, this song does not seem to fit with a lot of the other songs on the list in that it is not exactly an emotional downpour or a heartpounder or a mindblower. there are also other zeppelin songs i like better (like 'the ocean' and 'babe i'm gonna leave you'). but for some reason my mind gravitated toward this song when thinking about songs that changed my life and it felt right.

i am not certain when i first heard this song, but at the time, i did not know much of zep past the standard classic rock radio fare. and while i liked the whole 'stairway to heaven' thing, it didn't exactly bowl me over. this song, on the other hand, appealed to me as being extremely cool, genuinely and honestly badass. it had this kind of hardness about it that didnt seem like it was trying too hard. the guitar sounded otherworldly. robert plant's vocals were empassioned and raspy and dead on. it rocked, but in not in a headbanging way, and i liked that. it just seemed different.

this song also heavily reminds me of christmastime in the year 2000, though i am not exactly sure why. but it seems to fit that time in my life pretty well (something about cold, gray skies and this song connected.). i can credit this song for making me be more open to led zeppelin and classic rock in general, which did play a large part in the growth of my appreciation for music. while i am not currently a big classic rock fan, i still believe pretty much everything zeppelin did was genius, especially this song. it will remain eternally cool, and it was my hope then (and maybe now) that just a bit of that coolness would rub off on me.

21: grounded-- pavement

as a sophomore in high school, i had heard a few pavement songs-- summer babe, cut your hair, maybe a couple others. i decided at that time they were good enough to be examined further, so one day at hastings i discovered wowee zowee (the only pavement album they had). even though it had none of the songs i was familiar with, i bought it anyway, hoping for the best. later that day i listened to that blue cd on the way back to alexandria on the train in my portable cd player. 'grounded', the fifth track, stood out for me from the start. it had this offkilter beauty about it that sounded very new to me. it was both shaky and gorgeously fluid. the lyrics were smart and puzzling. and it worked very well while looking out the window of a moving train.

in this song, like in many other pavement songs, the guitar tones were what really got to me. there was something different about the way this band could make them sound. they seemed to chime and then change direction and sound like a jagged knife in the heart. the dynamics were very intriguing. i decided i had to hear it all. i had to make pavement a part of my life.

great songs, songs that change your life, can take you back to what you were thinking/feeling when it first came into your life. and this song does that for me whenever i play it. but at the same time, i feel like the song has grown with me. it's not just a time capsule, but something i can turn on right now and hear something (feel something) new. this song should definitely receive credit for taking my understanding of pavement from "that band that did 'summer babe'" to recognizing them for being arguably (even though there's no argument) the finest band in the land in the 1990s. this song started my obsession with the band and with thoughtprovoking, unintentionallybeautiful indie rock that continues to this day.

a solid live performance of the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ryh-bYA0_yY

22: i've been loving you too long-- otis redding

just like many other songs on this list, this one seemed to fall in my lap unexpectedly. i had long recognized otis redding as the voice behind 'sittin on the dock of the bay,' a song i had definitely liked, but i am not sure what compelled me to download this song when i did (it was early college sometime). but there it was on my ipod one day. the first time i heard 'i've been loving you too long' i got chills. all the way from my feet to the top of my head. there was a connection. maybe it was the honesty in it. maybe it was the slow buildup that culminated in the release of such heavy emotion in redding's voice. i'm not sure what it was, but it got me thinking.

there is nothing more moving than hearing someone pour their heart and soul into something. maybe because there we recognize similar things inside ourselves-- people expressing the things we wish we could express. maybe that is the connection. this song does that, reaching down inside to some common denominator that seems more primal and real than so much music out there.

the sound of redding's voice tells a lot. there is something there that feels real, is real. the voice of someone who has been there. it is grit and it is dirt and it is honey and it is warmth.

sometimes music just makes you see more clearly. this song sortof opened my eyes in a way that i cannot exactly understand or explain. but it definitely got to me. and got me to further explore more of otis redding's work, which is all wonderful, wonderful stuff. more than anything, this song got me interested in the powerful forces that lie behind "soul" (in its musical and human forms).

an amazing performance from backintheday:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGlKJDEI1Nk

23: footsteps-- pearl jam

this song came out of nowhere. pearl jam had already been well established as one of my favorite bands. i had all their albums, i had posters, a t-shirt, etc. i figured i knew them pretty well. one day in high school (back when rocky mount had a cd store) i came across the single for 'jeremy' which had this little girl with a gun on it. having only 2 other singles of anything in my entire collection (soundgarden and radiohead ones), i figured this would be a good add. and it had 'yellow ledbetter' on it, which was awesome, and it was cheaper than a full album. there was just this one song in the middle of those two. i didnt care what it was or what it sounded like-- i was going to buy the cd.

upon first listen i realzed that footsteps, sandwiched between 2 pearl jam classics, hit me in a way that neither of those songs, nor any other pearl jam song, had. maybe it was the timing, or the weather or something, but i heard something in eddie vedder's voice that i had not recognized earlier. it sounded like a confessional, a man at the end of his rope purging himself of heartache and frustration. and it felt so real. the music was stripped down and quiet, and vedder's voice seemed to slice through the silence. i was impressed. taken aback. the lyrics and vocals went hand in hand and told a story that seemed very truetolife. and you felt it.

this song made me realize how much i appreciated deeply personal music. it was a song i turned to on several occasions during the teenage years just because there were times the song seemed to fit so well. it also made me look at pearl jam differently, which was both good and bad. in some ways, my connection to their music became stronger, but at the same time i began to question why this song had stood out as feeling so real after having listened to the rest of their stuff. are they not always so genuine? these were things i would think on later, but for the time, this song provided a source for purging and for looking at things more serious.

24: you oughta know-- alanis morissette

finally. an angry rock song by a canadian lass that you can sing along to. and it has the f-word (the christmas present i had been waiting for). i mean, to my juvenile brain, this song was very racy and very (strangely) exciting. and i definitely appreciated the fact that the words were discernible, though, knowing what was being sung did not exactly mean that i undertood it (going down?).

back then, if we let this cd get played in the car with mom driving, we always had to skip over track number 2. i also recall older kids in the neighborhood coming over and being impressed that we had the cd (technically my sister and i owned it collectively). so the magic of alanis was double: unacceptable for mom. accepted by older kids. score.

for me, this song had edge; at the time, i had never heard a woman sound so angry, and to a notsoangry 5th grader, it was very compelling. the sexual element of the song also made it downright scandalous (which was kinda cool). it had an element of rebellion in it; a song i could listen to in private but never around adults, and i liked that. it was kind of at that point where deviance in a more adolescent form was becoming evident (like cussing to be cool, which i unfortunately attempted) and this song fit that for me. the timing, attitude and lyrics of this song perhaps ushered me further along that road to being well, more immature (in that olderthan5thgrade kind of way). thanks, alanis.

25: mojo pin-- jeff buckley

i was riding in the car past the cow pasture on hunter hill road and i thought i had heard the voice of god. the voice had depth-- it was sweet, clear, heavenly, unlike anything i had heard before. i was floored. i was enthralled. this song was my introduction to jeff buckley, who at that time i had read about (i knew of his mysterious death in the mississippi river), but had never heard his voice. in this song, while i drove down that rural road, his vocal chords from underneath the murky waves grabbed me by the throat (and didnt let go).

i was so used to listening to garbled yelling voices, gruff masculine huffs muffled under roaring guitars in my version of rocknroll. this was like a slap in the face. his voice kept changing directions, tones- it could be so so soft and also soar over powering guitars. it was more like watching a picture being painted than listening to music. this song, especially, showed off buckley's prowess; it snakes around and slowly steps up steps to a climax that displays the rich span of his voice.

but it wasnt just someone with a great voice. the song had power. i couldnt believe that rock and vocals could fit together so well. this song changed my opinion about how vocals could be incorporated into rock music. i also became obsessed with buckley for a while (i wrote a poem sometime in high school about the album this song is on). but above that, i became more tuned in to beautiful sounds in unexpected places. i learned that you can have interesting music with the vocals as the centerpiece. it was, for me, perfection, and i couldnt imagine those high school years without it.

26: another set of bees in the museum-- olivia tremor control

more maddening music. but not in a bloodpumping kind of way. this is a more calculated madness. it has a psychedelic quality that seems harder to find in much modern music. it twists and turns in lots of puzzling ways and seems to be glued together like a collage. the lyrics seem nonsensical, but in the grand kaleidoscope of this song, they just fit. this, to me, seemed like it was recorded on another planet (or at least no where i had been). it really got to me.

i had been a fan of olivia tremor control for a while before i heard this song, which i guess i came into contact with on the internet early in college. in a lot of ways, otc was a throwback to some of the best 60s music, but they somehow always managed to not seem derivitive. no matter what the band was doing, but especially in this song, they continued to push envelopes and boundaries. i was fortunate to see a band formed in the wake of otc's breakup (the circulatory system) a couple years ago and they also happened to blow my mind.

this song, certainly, heightened my interest in otc, but it also made me crave more music that challenges, music that makes you feel weird. (and that weird feeling has changed my life.)

trippy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vtyPhVKByg

27: frontier psychiatrist-- the avalanches

i have always been fascinated by madness. caligula (the one who appointed his horse to the senate) was always my favorite roman emperor. my interest in that which deviates from the accepted mental functioning is probably what led me to study psychology in college. it also may explain why i was so drawn to this avalanches song. it is maddening. it also happens to deal with mental illness. it seems to be a bizarre amalgam of random pieces but it flows seamlessly-- clips of sound that seem to pull in all directions are somehow contained within the framework of a song.

i bought this album in high school on a whim. i probably had read the band's name somewhere and decided i should have it. while the rest of the disk is extremely solid, this track blew my mind. it intrigued and puzzled me. it made my heart jump. this was not the type of music i listened to and this song made me wonder why. this song opened my eyes as to what could be incorporated into music to make old things new and insane. and yes, i learned, some birds are funny when they talk.

the vid (with a ghost choir) is spectacular: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8BWBn26bX0

28: 1979-- the smashing pumpkins

there is not a whole lot i can say about this song. i thought it was gorgeous when i first heard it and i think it's gorgeous now. its calm with undertones of tension resonated with me early on in a way that other things i listened to at the time (bush, silverchair) did not. the song immediately brings back memories of sixth grade: playing basketball in the driveway, riding bikes around the neighborhood, hanging out at austin's. it also brings up the apprehension i remember feeling about the looming adolescent years. the song's tone and its flawless video did a lot to make me seriously ponder the music i would listen to, the things i would do as a teenager. it scared me and kindof made me excited all the same. 1979 came along when i thought it was nearly time to start being "mature." it gave me a lot to think about when i would shoot hoops after school. and i figured then that this song was the emodiment of my future.

check the vid and its rolling tires: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EWw-gsx_Io

29: why does it always rain on me?-- travis

perhaps it was fate that this song came out around ninth grade-- a time dripping with "why does it rain on me?" type questions, i guess. i think i was looking for something else to listen to, having felt disconnected from the new modern rawk trend by this time that 96rock was jumping all over. i also was watching mtv again and i think they played videos, at least occasionally, at this point. i do remember seeing this video and thinking that it captured how i felt at the time. which is incredibly lame. but when you're 15, such things cannot be helped.

this song, besides sating me with its hearttugging qualities, did several other things for me. it turned me on to more introspective, mellow music, at least for a while (i started listening to elliot smith and the like shortly thereafter). so it was a nice change from all that nu metal or whatever it was called. it also was one of the first songs i remember pursuing vigorously on the internet (and then listening to over and over again while i strained my eyes playing solitaire). and the song helped usher in the longrunning pleasure of namedropping a band most people hadn't heard of.

today, i still think the song is pretty good. every time i pull out this travis album, i am reminded of my adolescent moping period, which is both good and bad of course. though the song is very gray and dreary, at the same time, i remembering being comforted that there were indeed likehearted souls wandering the earth aimlessly and asking depressing questions (just like me!).

for those of you not familiar with the tune, you can check it out on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nwh3FmpZ7kg

30: like a prayer-- madonna

i know, i know. this looks ridiculous. i mean, who starts a countdown at 30? well, i do. and yes, i begin with "like a prayer." of course. i think it is fair to say that any song that makes you cringe nearly 20 years after you first hear it has to be included in a list of songs that changed one's course of life. it may seem random, but it really isn't.

i remember the first time i heard this song. vividly. i was at my grandmother's house, watching television with my older (and much cooler) cousins. they, like most cool teenagers at the time, were watching mtv. and, they made me and my virgin ears and eyes partake in its barrage of images and sounds at a very early age. (they used to make me call in to request videos, but that is a different story). i can't give you a date for when i saw this video, but my best guess is 1989, which puts me at the ripe old age of 5. i don't know if you have seen the video, but it's scary. burning crosses, bleeding hands, moving statues-- way too much for me then and now. but the connection i formed between the video and the song stuck with me for a long time. even today, if i'm at an establishment made for drinking and the shaky words, "life is a mystery.." start slithering from the speakers (even before all the girls start to scream), i cringe and feel like curling into a ball and hiding under a table.

but, i guess, this song did do several other things. firstly, it made me terrified of mtv for a while. i was later reluctant to watch it with my cousins because i feared they would try to torture me with more gory images. secondly, it set the precedent for what i thought music and corresponding video should be-- bizarre, mysterious, and discomforting. i guess madonna really laid the groundwork for my future interest in music (there, i said it).

in some ways, this song could be in a better position on this list for its far-reaching impact, but i didn't even like the song then. and i certainly don't like it any more now.

fantastic (new) features

so, i decided that i would add somemore stuff to change it up a bit (dont want things gettin stale). and i have had this idea for a while to compile "the songs that have changed my life" and write about them, and i guess this is a decent place to put all that (cause otherwise it would just go in the drawer or the shredder). so, starting tomorrow, i will be posting roughly a song a day (hopefully) to countdown to my number one (suspense). i dont know how many songs it will be, but i guess i will figure that out soon. also, i have realized i have poems of questionable value that strech back into my younger days that maybe could be brought up for a good laugh.

so yeah, look out for all that good stuff. but don't worry, my thoughtprovoking, mindblowing uptodate rambling will still be here. but now there will be diversity. and spice. and fire.

the pacific northwest

though i have been fortunate to travel in america as far west as the coast of california and as far north as northern vermont, i have never visisted the summation of those two directions, namely the pacific northwest. it may seem odd, then, that i also happen to be obsessed with a corner of the nation i have never actually witnessed. in my heady teen years, i decided that it was seattle or bust after high school. i had put together in my mind a veritable wonderland of water, evergreens, towering peaks, gray skies, coffee shops. i would head there and start a really awesome indie rock band, maybe dye my hair green, and paint pictures with other likeminded souls. those who had visited seattle, like my sister, my cousin, friends, etc. said the place looked like it was right up my alley. so it was decided. that is where i would go.

my college application process followed the logic of pinning the tail on the donkey. so i applied to the university of puget sound,located in tacoma (for some reason not to the university of washington in seattle), among ten other places. i was accepted, but ultimately turned down the offer once i was informed school outside the lovely state of north carolina would not be funded by the higher ups. so i shrugged and told myself after college would be the time-- the apple in front of the dumb horse.

now, i am not sure if i will ever go up there. i almost don't want to. i am afraid. i am afraid that this place i had felt so strongly about, had constructed so well in mind would not meet my lofty expectations. i would get up there and it would be just like other places, i wouldn't start a band and i would work a desk job or whatever.

i may never get to seattle, but i guess i can always think of what it would be like to go there. i can always tell myself that one day when things are different, i will march that yellow brick road just like lewis & clark did and look down from the spaceneedle and see a kingdom of dreary perfection where i will write books and cure all the world's ills.

i think these kinds of places are important. somewhere that you may never really see but can imagine and create to be however you want it to be. maybe its the old grass is greener on the other side kind of thing. but i guess it's not so bad.

radio free n.c.

i don't listen to the radio much, and that is by choice. on most stations, it seems like an endless cycle of overplayed, inoffensive music followed by irritating disc jockeys, screaming car ads, and lame-o station identifications. it wasn't always this way. growing up, i (unwillingly) listened to every oldies station eastern north carolina had to offer, and i actually learned to enjoy it. later on, i used to do homework listening to 96 rock every night (when it came in well all the way from raleigh). so i thought radio was cool-- i could hear new (at least to me) music and didnt have to go buy cds.

i don't know what happened, but at some point, some company bought some other companies and became like one gargantuan one, radios dials got shifted and we ended up with one station that played "more than a feeling" on repeat and of course 83 country stations.

so i got to work at davidson's radio station, which was awesome, cause i could play all this crap and make others listen to it (supposedly). so i figured i could do the same at carolina. well, i basically got laughed out of the room in my interview with the station there because so many of the bands i talked about were "just white people with guitars." so oh well.

i guess it is hard to find a happy medium among all people's tastes and interests, but i think we'd all be better off with more choices in radio stations (at least for those of us without satellite stuff). variety is the spice of life or whatever, so that would be a good policy to follow. not that i want to listen to mongolian post-polka played by blind children with sticks all the time, but i mean, there is a lot of good stuff out there and it'd be cool if it got played.

but nobody asked me.

feeding frenzy

so i watch the food channel. a lot. so you think i would be able to cook at least something more complex, more gourmet than chef boyardee and turkey sandwiches. well i cant. and tonight proves it. i hit my max for food channel watching this morning and actually became inspired to make what i saw on the television. just buy the stuff, follow the instructions, and by some unknown magic i would see and taste the beauty i had seen so easily devised on the tube. sounds simple enough. so i went to the grocery store, picked up ingredients (lots of stuff i had never bought before) and patiently waited until it was time to do something with them. that's where the happy part of the story ends and gives way to bleeding hands, beet juice stains, herb overdoses, and that nagging gagging feeling.

perhpas beet and goat cheese salad and grilled zucchini wraps with goat cheese and herbs was not the best place for me to start my foray into cooking. but it sounded good. i will spare you the rest of the details, but suffice it to say, i am currently waiting for my stomach to stop churning, i have bandages on my fingers, and my hands are stained from both beet and blood. if anyone has any recipes that are easy, preferably that do not involve chopping parsley or cooking beets or anything with goat cheese, it would be much appreciated.

maybe there is life after college (it's lame)

i don't know if it was just me, but for some reason the day after college graduation i thought i might die. perhaps it had to do with the fact my body was having trouble recovering from a four-day alcohol-induced fiasco. still, i felt like i was waiting around for a bomb to go off--hands over my ears, scanning the horizons for signs of my imminent demise. but, surprisingly, nothing happened. i didn't keel over. my house didn't explode. but i still wasn't convinced, even when i walked into a real adultworld job a week later.

i expected something to change. i was wearing a suit, i had a sweet manbag, and i had a desk and all: i'm different, i'm taller, i'm grown up. heck, i got my own health insurance and business cards. wow.

but of course, the inevitable happened. people asked what grade i was in, folks on the phone told me they needed to speak to a "responsible adult." then there is the time in the elevator. i happened to think i was looking quite sharp that day, but this older lady gets in, the door closes and she looks at me funny. "so. what school do you go to?" great. again. "actually, i just graduated from carolina." "oh," she says, "well maybe you should grow some facial hair or something." then the elevator dings, we arrive at floor 3 and she gets her elderly ass out of the lift. alone in the glass elevator i stare at my reflection and realize, yeah, maybe i should grow some facial hair (if only....). maybe i'm not really an adult. maybe not much has changed; i mean i still listen to crappy emo-ish music, i still watch abc family, i still wear my hair too long, and i still don't know what the hell i am doing. and that's okay. because dammit, i'm 23 not 44.

but the point of all this is twofold: graduating college does not equal immediate death (thought it may be lurking around every corner) and you are not a real adult at this ridiculous age, at least not yet. so in a lot of ways age 23 is like age 13, where everything was awkward, new-ish, confusing ("am i still a kid?"), etc. but the good part is, i'm not breaking out in zits, my voice isn't cracking (well, most of the time), and i don't play the trumpet in the parker middle school band.

so i guess the awkward, clumsy stuff is okay 'cause it is likely (hopefully) followed by years of awesomeness. and i can live with that. as long as i don't need braces.

the firstpost

hello.

i am honestly not sure the point of all this is. my best guess is it is the result of an idling, narcissistic brain, but oh well. i do happen to enjoy writing and since pencilspenspaperbooks seem to be fading away, i guess this is a valid (modern) medium. i do have thoughts and opinions and things and i shall share them here. but then again, i may be the only person that reads this, which is fine. the key is tricking myself into believing i am validated by expressing myself in this way. but enough garble.

i can discuss/feel passionately about the following topics: music, people, zoo animals, funny stories, buffalo wings, the food network, humid summer days, unc basketball/football, eastern europe, reality shows, floats (both parade and aqua), complaining, and leather jackets.

so maybe i will talk about these things. maybe i won't. it happens.

but yeah, thanks for reading and let me know what you think (unless you have something mean to say because i am fragile).

P.S. Rest in peace, Skip Prosser.